For the sake of starving you of details, I will leave it at this: I went as low as one can get – so low that I could almost feel the fanning of Hell’s flames beneath my body. And though we spoke for a year following the break-up, and though she did forgive me (verbally and hopefully emotionally), like many people I never got around to forgiving myself, and that is the focus of this post: why do we hang onto our faults so much more than our achievements?

Forgiveness Without Favor

Like most men my age (if 28-years-old is a “man” in your eyes, and if so, God bless you…) I have an intrinsic and insentient need to engage the opposite sex; it is simply nature. We are social creatures, and we require certain things. But what happens when you are unable to fulfill those assets because you choose to blame yourself for that which is already forgiven? “Unforgiven” is the only way to describe it, and I am not alone. There is a complex called “Forgiveness Without Favor syndrome”, and it means simply: not forgiving oneself because they feel they may have done something so horrible that to move on would be (for lack of better words) dangerous.

This is indeed the case. It is not quite self-loathing, yet miles from forgiveness. Why we do this is because we have an instinctual need to “shut down” when we begin to associate one thing with danger to others, and that is what I am going through. It was an emotional break-up that was made “emotional” because of my actions, and it is hard to forgive yourself when you associate the opposite sex with pain. This is a common issue; over 72% of people ages 24-35 are unable to fully accept forgiveness from themselves for at least one event in their lives. The most common is found in my tale: cheating.

The Girl I Never Called

This is not to say we do not try to move forward. I have flirted back and forth but I never close the deal. Why? It is because the relationship forms before actually knowing the person, which is an issue common to those who have been through the fathom of divorce (i.e. me): we rush into things based on emotion, which is not a completely bad thing; to have such emotional energy is astounding, albeit, fascinating. But it does not help when you are also grieving a relationship.

I did get one young lady’s phone number. I never called. I wanted to, but every time I tried I could feel my ex staring over my shoulder. It is honestly the most painfully-cinematic feeling one can have, second to clairvoyance (third to respecting Donald Trump). It is not a fact, but I do propose it as a pseudo-theory: a relationship can be grieved, much like a death. But just like a death, we must learn to grieve the process rationally. Actually, that is bad advice. The more irrational, the better.

Grieving A Relationship

Yes, it’s a thing! The loss of a relationship can trigger the same emotional response as grieving a death. In both cases, you are mourning a loss, and it goes to show how incredibly systematic our minds are: we place relational pain on the same emotional level as death of a loved one, and sometimes to the same sense of tenacity.  The theory of “Broken Heart Syndrome” is alive and well (it is called “cardiomyopathy” and it means that the loss of a relationship – including a broken heart – can quite literally kill you). Yes, you can die from a broken heart, and it is because the brain has to rewire itself in a matter of seconds, trying to wrap itself around the concept of this person no longer being a lover (much like losing a family member or a friend). The brain goes into shock, and causes the heart to stop.

So how do we get over this? We have to remember that grieving a death requires the grieving process, which is a series of five steps that follow a death: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. For some reason, it is often harder to reach “acceptance” and easier to get stuck in “depression” when it is a relationship involving a different set of hormones. There is no easy answer to the question: how do we heal? How do we forgive ourselves for the things we do for love? Well, it’s a simple answer after all: we must understand that just like mourning a death, mourning a relationship can take years, and I know one thing and one thing only: that my grieving will soon cease, and I will be able to accept love again without guilt.

If you are suffering the grieving of a relationship, contact me.

iLookin.com has some great tips for you so you can move on and find love again.

The post Why We Refuse To Forgive Ourselves: Relationships appeared first on iLookin.com.

There has been very little formal research on why this is the case. In studies that simulated the experience of buying something you like, dopamine levels are known to increase within the prefrontal cortex and a part of the brain called the insula. Why is this relevant? Let us take a look at why dopamine exists.

On A Chemical Level, Spending Is Addictive

When we breathe, sleep, eat, and engage in the act of reproduction, dopamine levels increase to a lesser or greater extent. There is very little we understand about what dopamine is there for, but if you look at the facts it becomes rather clear that this very important neurotransmitter is most active during the survival response we all possess inside of us on a primordial level.

In other words, dopamine is suspected to be responsible for survival. It is also the same neurotransmitter found in excess amounts in individuals with Schizophrenia or Neurosis, causing everything from mania to elation, and is connected to a part of the brain known as the “pleasure pathway.” This is because dopamine, if increased using a synthetic drug (cocaine, as an example, is addictive because it increases dopamine levels by up to 36 percent), can trick the mind into feeling “good” – just like spending.

Money & Survival

Why is it important to understand dopamine when discussing the psychology of money? Let us examine a psychological concept called behavioral reinforcement. The human brain is completely programmable and is hardwired to release dopamine (thus causing a feeling of pleasure) when something found useful for survival occurs.

Now, think about this: as a nation we are asked to pay for food, water, shelter, clothing, and even safety. Due to this, it can be insinuated that functions for survival are not free; they cost money. The brain can become reinforced to associate money with survival, as without it, we are unable to meet our most primordial requirements. Spending is an example of behavioral reinforcement: we begin to learn that in order to survive, one must have a means to pay for it!

There is evidence that a part of the brain called the insula is more active in individuals who save their money rather than spend it. Those with lower insula levels are known as “spenders” whereas higher insula-minded individuals are “savers”. Though we need to be able to afford mechanisms for survival, after so much time living with this mentality we begin to assess money with the pleasure principle (funded solely by dopamine and noradrenaline).

How You Can Stop Spending!

If you want to stop spending so much or begin to save money, knowledge is the first step. Understanding that money triggers a surplus of dopamine in the insula and prefrontal cortex is why it feels so good to buy something. Though more often than not, when you buy something you may not truly require, that “buyer’s high” dissipates after as little as a few hours! This leads to regret later on (though note that you will never feel regret for spending money on food, because it truly is for survival purposes).

The best tip is to always think to yourself: “Do I really need this right now, or can I wait?” Everyone has, at some point, been walking through a shopping mall with the intention of buying one item, only to leave with ten items purchased on impulse. If you can understand that every time you spend it is simply a behavioral response/association that feeds “good feelings” when spending, you can begin to control your impulses!

In Conclusion

Money is associated rather falsely with survival, and it goes to show how easy the human brain is to hardwire. Everything we do and feel is chemical, and because our body uses pleasure principles to reward us for survival-related acts (eating, sleeping, reproducing…), we slowly but surely become conditioned – from a very young age – to feel pleasure when money is made, or spent. If you want to learn more, or want to learn how to control your spending, contact me for assistance.

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And on that note, what are dreams to begin with? Is a dream what Sigmund Freud once believed? That all dreams are our souls trying to make sense of the world around us? Or is a dream just a series of random stimulus that our unconscious tries to put together in a way that we will understand? I have a few theories. Read onward, fellow dreamer!

How Memory Works

Let us start with a lesson in memory. Memory occurs in three stages: the stimulus stage, the short term memory stage, and the long-term memory stage. The stimulus stage is where our five senses come into play. Ever dream about something you just saw on television before you fell asleep? That is because your mind is sucking in that external banter and trying to make sense of it. The stimulus stage then leads to the short-term memory stage, which is where the problem with dreams seems to begin. Ever study for a test, only to find that you can’t remember jack s**t? It is because you did not rehearse the information properly. Scientists believe that only if something is rehearsed in our minds 15-25 seconds before it is recorded in short-term memory, does the item in question pass into long-term memory.

In other words, the stimulus stage is something visual, auditory, olfactory…the short term stage is where an unlimited amount of space is available, like a very strong computer server, but it will erase everything if it is not coded properly…the long term stage is the computer’s backup system, which stores the information for as long as it is needed. If you don’t use it, you will lose it, and the computer will reset all information back to a transient state, where only basic instinct exists.

Why We Forget Dreams

So why do we forget dreams? Well, unless you wake up, make your morning coffee, and immediately start to recall and store the information found in the dream you just had, your short term memory will delete it. Again, unless you are able to correctly “install” and encode the information in short term memory, it will dissipate; the brain will see no purpose in keeping the information because, on some level, the mind is self-aware; it knows that if we do not think of something twice, three times, a fourth time, maybe even a tenth or eleventh time, then the information is useless and is not meant for long-term memory. So, if you do not immediately begin to think about your dream, it will gradually fade away until nothing of it exists; you will forget about it.

How To Remember Dreams

How can this be corrected, you ask? Well, when you wake up, chances are if you had a dream you are aware of it. Dreams occur in REM (“rapid eye movement”) sleep, which is present up until the point where you wake up. If you want to remember your dream, then the first thing you should do when you wake up is to not reach for that cup of joe. Rather, you should take some time to recall. If you can’t remember anything, your REM sleep phase was too short, and you forgot the dream before you even woke up! If, however, REM sleep was present up until you woke up, your dream is available for you to recall, and the first thing you want to do when you wake up is to encode the information; rehearse it in your mind’s eye, and continue to think about it as your day progresses onward. The more you rehearse the dream in your mind, the higher the chance you will have for it to pass from short-term memory, and into long-term.

What Is A Dream?

Now, what is a dream? Sigmund Freud, after studying with a hypnotist in Venis, believed they were made up of subconscious stimuli that represented some kind of desire. Recall the “id” – our psychological desire for pleasure. Through what he called “dream recall,” a patient could understand what their id was telling them through the objects found in a given dream. A dream consisting of a lot of rigid, stick-like objects are sexual desires relative to the penis; a dream consisting of former friends means you might be missing them, or something about them that you want to have back. Though as you all know, I am not the biggest fan of Freudian psychology…

What happens if your dream does not contain stimuli, but rather is about a friend or family member’s death (as an example)? Does this mean they are going to die, or is it perhaps the mind’s way of telling you that you need to spend more time with them? If you dream of a lost friend, are you missing them or are you merely recalling them in a meaningless setting? There is no one way to tell. I have spoken with many Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and Neuroscientists who all have the same general understanding of dreams: that no one answer is correct.

Perhaps it is our duty as human beings to try our best to remember every dream we have, and make sense of it come a later time in our existence…

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Whether working in the corporate world or in my own counseling business, it has been important to consider how to get the most people covered in ways they are able to access help.  Online counseling, self-help resources and personal development websites are all wonderful ways to help people connect to online goals in order to reach their dreams.

A Time Of Transition

We are living in a time of great transition regarding many things!  For those things hitting closest to home, it is important that we do our best to help mitigate the marginalization of our fellow human beings!  As clinicians, it is our ethical responsibility to assist others in connecting to services which will support them in managing their life issues.  One of the ways we are able to do this as clinicians is to make sure we are aware of ways to “Bridge the Gap” between those who have needs for counseling, coaching and/or self-help.  As we move further into telehealth as a viable option for reaching people, we must be more fully aware of what the specific needs are of people.  And then to provide those services in the most cost-effective way possible.  This is quite the mission for us clinicians today!

When we consider that there are 7 million people living in rural areas today that have limited accessibility to services as well as a chronic shortage of available professionals in those areas, it is no wonder that we are in a time of great transition.  Beyond that the latest statistics reported that 33 million people still don’t have health insurance.  As clinicians we must do a better job of “Bridging the Gap” by offering options to every person, both the marginalized as well as those of great opportunity.

Bridging The Gap

So I am curious to know in what ways other clinicians are meeting this battle cry to “Bridge the Gap”!  Many of you know about my involvement in two online programs and we encourage you to check these out today (SubstanceEducation.com and iLookin.com) but you may not have known about two earlier programs I had online.  Both were ahead of their time and, to be quite honest, one was successful to the point I was unable to keep up with the demand (that showed my naivety about both the amount of work an online business takes as well as the reach one has).

Let us as clinicians, in this changing landscape, work to embrace the needs of all humans.  One way to do that is to share what we have to offer to people.  Please share with me what programs you have that are in keeping with these changing times so that my businesses can support and refer to the BEST places which meet peoples’ needs. It is also great to hear from the masses as to what their actual, specific needs are, so get in touch! Here’s to all of our digital Rolodexes being over flowing!

“We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles.” – Anonymous

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Feelings of peace are times of healing.” What, then, do we need to do in our day to day life to gain peace within? How do we combine our inner feelings and our outer environment in such a way that peace is not only obtained but maintained? iLookin.com can help answer this question!

Getting our mind, body, and soul to be working in conjunction is extremely important. Staying positive about our present and being aware of each moment in time is helpful. Making sure we eat nutritiously and avoid placing chemicals into our system that are harmful is beneficial. Communing with nature soothes us in rewarding ways.

How do we make time to be in a peaceful state on a daily basis? Can you afford a 15-minute break merely sitting peacefully? Enjoying the solitude of the moment and feeling the serenity of all that surrounds you….even in chaos. Deep relaxation provides us with a sense of peace. Allowing for time and space from the stressors of daily life enables us to reach a sense of peace. Peace within.

Time and space may simply look like being awake while others in the home are sleeping, observing a sunrise or sunset, relaxing by water, laying in the sunshine, listening to your favorite music, the purr of your pets while stroking happens, or the soft voice of a loved one. It is up to each of us to find our own peace within. The time to begin is now.

“If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.” – Marvin Gaye

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Though this is far from the finished product, please find this website as a temporary means for you to stay up-to-date with all of our progress as we work toward building our official website. Check out the About page for more information on who we are and what we do, and stay tuned – the website will be running by January 2016!

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